As a followup to my post entitled "$27,393" (the total cost of the 12 days of Christmas items).
The total cost of the items in Jeff Foxworthy's "Redneck 12 Days of Christmas" is....$832.15 at Walmart!
Here's the list:
12 pack of Bud
11 rasslin tickets
10 of Copenhagen
9 years probation
8 table dancers
7 packs of Red Man
6 cans of Spam
5 flannel shirts
4 big mud tires
3 shotgun shells
2 huntin dogs
And some parts to a Mustang GT
$27,393...the cost in 2013, for all of the items in the song "The Twelve Days of Christmas"!!!
The cost is up 7.7 percent from last year.
Prices for the partridge, two turtle doves, three French hens and five gold rings, stayed the same.
But the cost for 10 lords-a-leaping jumped 10 percent to $5,243 and nine ladies dancing increased by 20 percent to $7,553.
The only savings in 2013 was a 3.2 percent drop in price for the partridge's pear tree, which costs $184!!
Thanks to our friends at Irreverent Magazine!
1. Expired Gift Cards.
Since they're expired, you can usually get these for extremely low cost or free from quality department stores and financial institutions throughout the country. Personally, I've found the $1,000-$10,000 levels work particularly well with significant others you're looking to ditch/divorce, live-in-but-about-to-separate-anyway girlfriends or boyfriends, or anyone who will be likely to give you sex as a result of the gift without being suspicious enough to make sure that the card will actually work beforehand. I can't emphasize that last point strong enough, speaking from personal experience and still walking with a slight limp.
When found out, of course, you must reinforce how much you spent on the card and promise to raise all sorts of hell with whatever establishment you purchased the card from. This one requires the most acting talent of the list but is also one of the most fun if played correctly.
2. A Suggestive Greeting Card That Indirectly Hits On Your Special Friend's Girlfriend or Boyfriend.
You can usually find something perfect in Spencer's for this one in whatever is sex appropriate for your special friend. It should say something along the lines of, "Wow, how did YOU get so lucky?" with a picture of a sexy girl or boy on the cover (whatever your friend's S.O. is), and inside print your phone number with a little smiley face. For the final touch, include a crisp $50 bill.
3. Overly Complicated Much "Assembly Required" Toys For Your Special Friend's Children
If your special friend has younger children, buy them extremely complicated, tiny-parts toys that will require your SF several hours to assemble, during which the children will incessantly be asking, "When will you be done, mommy or daddy?" I suggest any type of Bionicle or sufficiently complicated Lego kit, like the space shuttle, empire state building, or International Space Station.
4. Extremely Noisy And Annoying Toys For Your Special Friend's Children
Here anything that talks, sings, or preferably plays music is the key. It really helps if the voice is suitably annoying, like a Spongebob Squarepants or incomprehensible Scooby Doo. Make sure there is only one or two volume settings and that several sets of C or D-cells are required -- 4 to 8 is good -- but don't include them with your gift.
5. A Case Of Odious And Probably Corked Wine.
If you're a wine drinker, you've learned to spot the signs: bad region, bad year, bottles stored incorrectly to virtually guarantee a cracked top and corked vino. Pick up as many as you can (for as cheaply as possible, let's face it this is basically vinegar grade stuff here), wrap it attractively, and present it warmly to your SF.
6. Sexy Underwear For Your SF's Spouse or S.O.
Skimpy v-strings or thongs for the ladies and sexy speedo-style briefs for the men. The message here is clear: either you'd like to see the S.O. in these, or you already have and want more, in either case be prepared for a fight depending upon how far you take this, how much you dislike your SF, and how much you like your SF's S.O....
7. A Book You Bought, Read And Didn't Like.
Something by John Grisham perhaps, or maybe Tom Wolfe or even veritable cranky guy Andy Rooney. In any case, the criteria here is bad, but not too bad: bad but imminently popular, at least in some snobby circle. Thomas (*yawn*) Hardy type bad. This will give you "critical deniability" when your SF discovers how awful it is.
For full effect, you must make sure to work into conversation that you've read the book and didn't like it, either before or after they've opened it, depending upon the effect you wish to have.
8. A Big Book On Resume Tips.
This one works like this: "gee, how thoughtful," your SF says, since it's a "how-to" book and you're perceived as being helpful and nice. Then, "Wait a minute, what's this guy saying here? My job sucks and I need to get a real job, is that it? I'm lazy, is that what he's saying?" And finally, "Okay, well cram it with walnuts, curly, I'm getting you 50 Ways To Satisfy Your Lover next year."
I've been wanting to break up with my significant other for a while now but haven't had the heart, especially since we spent Thanksgiving with his family out of state –something that had been planned for months.
But now that the holiday is over, I dropped the bomb this weekend and told him I wanted to see other people.
He was totally outraged and asked why I'd allow him to introduce me to his entire family if I was just going to dump him anyway.
I explained that I didn't think it was right to break up right before the holidays. I tried to do the right thing but he made me feel really bad about it.
Did I screw up or was I right to wait until after Turkey Day?