Behaving Better for Others: Good at School, Knucklehead at Home

Lite98, 5.9.2012
Parent Talk
Liz Pearce

While we want our children to be successful in school, pleasant to be around, and loving to their friends and family, many parents find it aggravating when their children are “perfect angels” at school, and challenging at home. Glowing reports arrive from the teacher, at the same time as little Susie is talking back and throwing her belongings all over the floor. What’s going on here?

First and foremost, keep in mind that sometimes children are holding in their emotions, and remaining on their best behavior at school, only to decompensate and collapse in a safe environment, once they arrive home.  This can be the case during the transition time between school dismissal and dinner. If this is what you suspect, it shouldn’t be occurring over a long period of time, however, or lasting during the weekends.

Secondly, it might be wise to check your calendar, and determine if this is a chronic problem, or a phase that might be due to growth and development. Remember, when children are experiencing a growth spurt, whether it’s physical or cognitive, behavior can regress, and emotions can become tense. As children grow and develop, they often swing back and forth between periods of cooperative, congenial behavior and periods of challenging, disruptive behavior.  

If you have determined this is a chronic problem, here are some ideas for getting proactive about getting behavior back on the right track.

  1. 1.      First, identify what behaviors are troubling you. Pick the top two, if necessary, and concentrate on finding replacement behaviors that are parent-approved. For example, if your child talks back and is disrespectful, it’s time to tell your child the behaviors you want to see (calm conversations, quiet voices, consideration of opposing views) and what consequences will be put in place for misbehavior.
  2. 2.      Hold a family meeting, or one-on-one meeting with your child to discuss the issue, and how you will be handling it as you move forward.
  3. 3.      Write a brief statement about what was discussed, what behaviors are expected, and what the consequences are for misbehavior. Post this in a central location. Be consistent, even when it’s difficult to enforce.
  4. 4.      Send a note, or call the teacher to explore what methods are being used at school successfully. Sometimes, we get so buried in our own routines and habits, we overlook different ways of doing things. Your child’s school day is likely very structured, with clear expectations. If a point system or reward system is working at school, consider implementing a similar system at home. An intensive, but temporary, time of realigning behavior can work wonders.
  5. 5.      Lastly, take a look at your own behavior when your child is misbehaving. Are you keeping your emotions in check? Or are your own emotions becoming counterproductive?  Are you giving consistent feedback, or do you waver in your consequences? Our children need us to guide them to good behavior. If your own emotions are getting in the way, remember that YOU can take a time out, too. This can allow you time to cool off, and remember your strategy (especially if it’s posted for all to see), and follow up with consequences – without emotion. Consistency will be critical to see behavior change.

With time and effort, your child’s behavior should become more consistent wherever he or she is – home, school, Grandma’s house or birthday party. You can do this - I know you can!