Siblings!
Lite98, 6.27.12
Parent Talk
Liz Pearce

Listen to parent talk!

Do you agree with this sentence? Children should have the ability to socialize and cooperate willingly and harmoniously with others, without neglecting their own needs.

If so, then they must have opportunities to engage in conflict with children their own age, or those close in age. This skill is not something that can be learned from a book, or from an adult. Actual attempts to cooperate – some successful and some unsuccessful – must occur for a child to gain long-term socialization skills.

In addition, consider this: While one might spend forty to fifty years with one's parents, life with a sibling can last sixty to eighty years.

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When siblings fight...it can be scary because they might hurt each other, and the intensity of their fight can be shocking.  Boys fight more physically, while girls fight verbally by saying mean and hurtful things.  Sibling rivalry emerges when children are as young as 3 or 4 years old, and can be at its worst when kids are between 8 and 12 years old. Siblings close in age who have similar interests tend to compete more.

On the other hand, sibling rivalry can teach children negotiation skills, compromise and how to resolve conflict. Sharing, empathy and creativity are also positive benefits of sibling rivalry.

What to do:

• Give each child individual attention
• Praise teamwork - show your children how to brainstorm a variety of solutions to ordinary conflicts, such as sharing the TV or computer, and then brainstorm a variety of solutions to their specific conflicts.

• Try to stay out of your child’s arguments.  Say, “Wow you two look mad at each other.”  Next, express faith that the two of them will come up with a solution that meets both of their needs. “I believe you two can come up with a solution.”
• If the argument becomes physical, determine if it is a play fight or a real fight. Play fights are permitted, real fights are not. Let the children know that Play fights are permitted by mutual consent only.

• If the fight is dangerous, describe the situation:  “I see two children who are about to hurt each other.” Then, separate the children immediately. Say “It’s not safe to be together. We need a cooling off period. Quick, you go to your room, you go to yours.”

• Don't put too much focus on figuring out which child is to blame. It takes two to fight — anyone who is involved is partly responsible.

• When everyone has calmed down, share the character traits that you would like to see, (which will be useful in adulthood) such as conflict resolution, respect, dignity, and understanding another’s perspective.