Getting Past Chronic Misbehavior

Liz Pearce

Director of Parent Engagement

Children’s Museum of Richmond

Do you find yourself repeating the same things over and over to your children? Falling into the same cycle of misbehavior? If so, make a plan to spend at least 15 to 30 (uninterrupted!) minutes analyzing the situation, either alone or with a trusted friend, without the distraction of the phone, the TV, the kids, or the computer. Now consider these points, and take action:

 

  • ·        Is it just an attention getting behavior? Bad behavior often gets more attention than good behavior.
    • o   TAKE ACTION - Try to “catch them being good” and give more positive attention than negative attention. Think about what you want your child to START doing, while they STOP doing the misbehavior. Notice the positive behavior, refer to it often, remind them of it, and if possible, ignore the bad behavior. Remember, stick to the plan.

 

  • ·        Determine if there is something else going on.  If it’s not for attention, then misbehavior is likely based in a strong feeling, such as fear, anger, jealousy, powerlessness or revenge. In these cases, timeout and other punishment may help to reduce the behavior, but real progress depends on your being able to help your child to work through whatever the issue is.
    • o   TAKE ACTION - When everyone is calm, sit down and problem solve with your child. With a quiet, caring voice, let your child know that you have seen his/her behavior change, and you want to figure out a solution together. Set goals, implement a reward chart for good behavior, or set up a behavioral contract that will provide positive consequences for the behavior you want to see. It’s a good idea to write down what you discuss, so that everyone is accountable. Remember to focus on positive behaviors that will replace misbehavior, and also, stick to the plan.

 

  • ·        Is there is a pattern to the misbehavior? Some kids are like clockwork, and misbehave at the same time every day! What a joy to know what to expect. (Other kids are more unpredictable and respond differently depending on the day).
    • o   TAKE ACTION – Jot down or notice the times when the problem behavior DOES and DOES NOT occur. This will give you important clues to his individual triggers and the environmental and relationship triggers of good and bad behavior. It’s okay to be mindful of these triggers, and make a plan to avoid overstimulating your child during higher stress times. As mentioned before, stick to the plan.

 

  • ·        Is the parent/child relationship going downhill fast? If you are frustrated with your child on a regular basis, your relationship has likely taken a negative turn.
    • o   TAKE ACTION - For the next few weeks, spend at least 5 minutes alone with her each day talking about things that she enjoys. At least once a week, plan to spend 15 minutes with her doing something fun together. Don't put any pressure on this time together; simply listen and laugh and enjoy each other. Avoid communication roadblocks such as advising, directing, praising, or probing. Give her one sincere compliment during this time each day. Also, remember to stick to the plan.


REMINDERS

  • ·        Choose one positive behavior to increase in frequency;
  • ·        Choose one problem behavior to decrease in frequency;  

                                                                          

                                                                          Make a plan, and Stick to It!